i know how it feels to make sure everything you do is right.
i know how it feels to have people expect you to be perfect, when it’s impossible.
i know how it feels to not have people care for you.
these past months have been super hard for me to go through. it got to the point that i couldn’t live life normally anymore. everything seemed to be crashing down on me all at once and i couldn’t keep up with it, needless to say, it was going to be impossible to fix everything. almost every aspect of my life was in ruins. i questioned God’s planning. up until then, i always could see what God was preparing me for. i could always trust Him to lead me into the light and help me grow in my time of darkness. basically, it became difficult to live.
i spent two weeks not communicating with anybody who i knew had complications with me, or would cause complications. just simply routinely going to school, going to church on sunday mornings or friday nights, or spending time on the computer would be different because my whole lifestyle was changed now.
now it’s summer, july even. through these times, i’ve gotten closer to God and to my family. although it felt like even church wasn’t a comfortable place for me to be in, i found that i paid so much more attention in sermons and sunday school. you always hear, “you don’t need people’s approval, just have God’s approval”. but i guess you can’t really believe it until all you have is God’s approval. during this crazy time in my life, i got to review parts of my life and examine them and i learned alot about what God was trying to teach me through this time. i was really humbled and decided to live my life the way God wanted me to, and to listen to his voice through doing devos.
at one point, i asked the infamous question, “why am i alive…it’d be better if i wasn’t here”. i heard somewhere that even when you feel like no one is benefiting from you being alive, God benefits because He loves you and basks in seeing you grow as a child of His. that was my motivation through this tough time. nothing is ever going to be the same again, but knowing that God will never change…makes it all the better.
"But if you will look to God
and plead with the Almighty,
If you are pure and upright,
even now he will rouse himself on your behalf
and restore you to your rightful place.
Your beginnings will seem humble,
so prosperous will your future be.”
" ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ "