with all these school days, i’ve found myself spending more time in the Word and praying for God to speak to me in anyway possible. i’ve also had the opportunity to chat with many of my friends about how they’ve felt post-retreat, what they’ve learned, and how they are going to act from here on out.
so please! let’s continue this trend. seeing as though we are in the middle of our official 5-day weekend, let’s talk life! recently, i’ve been sheltering my thoughts, scared of judgmentalism (real word?). but something i’ve personally learned since retreat is to not be afraid of other’s opinions of your thoughts. you have nothing to lose! either the other person learns something from your enlightenment, or if you get criticized, you get saved from misinterpreting or mishearing God’s voice.
IM me, email me, FB me, text me, call me, BE MY FRIEND. i need some more of those…i want to spend my whole day talking and catching up with my beloved TG :) don’t let me resolve to sitting here and playing angry birds/diner dash all day…after my devos of course!
winter retreat 2011. different, inspiring, reviving, and seeking.
josh koh’s theme overall was relevant to everything i’ve gone through my entire life. ever since i was a little girl, i was trained to be a perfectionist. if i even dared to color outside the lines a bit in any situation, i’d get beat down physically and verbally by my parents. for me, verbal abuse is worse than any physical abuse i’ve experienced. physical abuse can leave scars that you eventually forget or grow apathetic to, but verbal abuse, however, leaves scars that are ingrained into a person’s mind forever, and affect their wellbeing, their worldview, and their self-esteem. and that’s exactly what i’ve been struggling with.
i’m not sure how many people will read this super long post, but this is how i journal and remember my experiences and my growth. so at church, most of the TGers know me as the super giddy and cheerful girl who always has a smile on her face. well, to be brutally honest, inside i’m a broken girl. i hate who i am. i’ve fallen into depression more than once, and i am just realizing now how much i was in denial. the smile that i put on my face is just a temporary shield for all the pain that i have inside of me. i’ve been completely false and untrue to the whole TG, and as a leader i am ashamed for hiding it to you guys.
suffering. i don’t suffer honestly that much physically. i mean, i AM injury prone but that doesn’t get me down or discouraged. i think i suffer more emotionally. i get degraded alot by family,friends, other people in general. and these voices of the enemy have brought me down with him and sometimes i feel trapped. i’ve let the enemy bring me down because i’ve been listening to the voices in my head telling me that “i’m not good enough because that person said this about my performance”, or “i don’t deserve to live because my parents tell me i’m worthless according to my grades.” my emotions cause me to suffer because i’m constantly wrestling with the thoughts that have been cemented into my mind and the truth of God and the unconditional love He gives me.
failures. this is a HUGE one for me. ever since i was young, my parents wouldn’t settle for anything less than an A (as most asian parents). they verbally abused me and called me names like “worthless”, “useless”, and they claimed that i would never make it to college, or anywhere successful in life. my whole life has been revolved around making others happy before myself and meeting their expectation before my own. everything has to be just right before i can be satisfied. perfectionism has dominated my life. if i can’t meet someone’s expectations or if i know deep down i’ve committed a sin that i’m ashamed to bring to God, i shut people out and those have been the times where i start to fall into constant depression or disappointment. failures have caused me to reexamine my selfworth and my importance as a human being. sadness and frustration defined my life as i searched for ways to be noticed or to become like other people i was jealous of. but after josh’s talk, i realized that failure doesn’t define me anymore. there is so much more in life that defines us, and that sin doesn’t separate you from God. God is continuing to pursue us even more eagerly when we are sinning. the fact that God doesn’t give up on us when we fail Him or others makes the weight and burden of failures lighter and allowed me to see past my failures and mistakes.
loneliness. this is one that i don’t struggle with as much at church or at home, but at school i am a complete loner. i decided to make friends with the wrong crowd freshman year and because they started to do things that i were against, i eventually lost connection with them which resulted in loneliness. i don’t really have anybody at school to keep my accountable and sometimes i hoped that i’d feel welcome in a group, not constantly fighting my way through a conversation or a circle. especially since i came from a private school, there’s only a handful of people that i’ve known for as long as most people at school have known each other. it’s awkward to feel on the outskirts of the conversation or the group because of simple barriers, but i’ve learned to cope with that by spending more time in my school work and more time in my church friends and in the Word. it hasn’t been easy, but patience is a virtue and God WILL work in the lives of the lonely and comfort them.
patience is something i’ve struggled with my junior year. i always wanted to see results right then and there, but God’s timing is so different than our own. when i realized i needed God in my life i tried to do so many things to get back to Him. i started reading the Bible, i prayed like crazy, i became so involved in church hoping that God would see my efforts and grant my wishes. but it’s not about what i’ve done, it’s about what He’s done for me. God’s timing is unexplainable, but in the end we all know he works things out for good. i learned this weekend that i really have to let go. as gold to the fire, i have to offer all the feelings, emotions, and anything else that i hold on dear to and submit it to him. letting go and releasing all my burdens and emotions from my heart out to him in prayer and confession is the only way i can find true peace in Jesus Christ. i will be able to look past my faults and failures and be able to look in the mirror and say that God made me perfect, and doesn’t make mistakes. i will be able to be honest with myself and with God about my struggles, and in turn, be able to take off my mask and let people see the real me. i might be able to fool the world, but i can’t fool the Almighty God.
i believe that vulnerability is beauty. it shows the conviction of the Holy Spirit, and it shows how much God is working in a person. although vulnerability is usually conveyed as a bad thing, it can bring about growth and benefits. the vulnerable person is learning to confess and also seeing for themselves how far God has brought them from their struggles. others seeing this vulnerability are able to learn from this person and realize how mighty our God is to save. anyone who calls upon Jesus WILL be saved. his love is abundant for all people, and he pursues us constantly. where is death’s sting? where is hell’s victory? nowhere, because our God is not dead, He’s alive! no form of death or hell or sin can overcome the light of our God.
i’m quite a loser at school. i barely go to lunch anymore, and when i do i often sit on the outskirts of the conversation, looking in like a lost child.
i have a thing for asian guys who can sing and have a star-striking smile.
i am THE deepest sleeper you will ever meet. i have a rack of piano trophies on top of my bed, and they all fell down on top of me one night. my mom came in, vacuumed my room of all the broken glass on the floor and tried to wake me up. i didn’t wake up until she turned on my light.
i broke my fourth toe on my left foot by doing something embarrassing. i was reading a newspaper and i wanted to show my mom something. i ran to the other room with the newspaper in front of my face and consequently ran into the metal chair in the middle of the kitchen.
i am extremely self-conscious. i don’t like the way i look, and i get jealous very easily. i’m extremely jealous of people who i don’t talk to because i know i will never be able to be like them or have any connections with them at all.
i hate eye contact. i’m scared people will notice all my facial flaws.
i am not myself when i outside of my home. my situation at home is completely different than my situations elsewhere, and i don’t know how to balance the two worlds.
i wish i was a princess back in medieval times, where chivalry still existed.
i don’t really like my name. c-r-y-s-t-a-l is such a weird combination of letters.
i want to have 4 children (2 girls + 2 boys) named Brennan, Ashlynn, Caden, and Hailey.
sometimes when i read/listen to something in a different language (spanish) it sounds more real to me. i recently was listening to None But Jesus//Hillsong United and i remembered singing it in spanish when i was in peru. here’s the chorus:
No hay nadie como tú
Moriste por mi en la cruz
Viviré para alabar
for some odd reason, i mean the lyrics so much more when i sing it in spanish. i think the cause of this is because i know this song’s spanish lyrics based on the definitions of the words, and it hits me harder because i’m still able to take this song literally when i hear/sing it in spanish. however, in english it has lost its meaning for me. sometimes words become merely letters on a screen or a page and english melodies become just entertaining songs. but for me, in spanish it completely brings the song alive and i don’t really know what i’m getting to here. maybe i’ll change everything i have in english to spanish. actually..i DO have a spanish-english Bible. NEW CHALLENGE: read a familiar chapter each day until retreat IN SPANISH. hmm let’s pray this works…
it’s a while since i’ve actually vented/blogged on tumblr. so here’s an update on my life!
i took the SAT in december, and did significantly horrible compared to my practice tests. taking it again either in march or in may.
i got new uggs, a new camera, and a new vera bradley for christmas. spent the day with family and friends (:
made a new years resolution: to be nicer to all the people i hate.
i’m going to get my first C on my report card this year…in BC calc. i guess it’s legitimate, right?
looking into internships, and not finding any good ones. i’ve been worrying lately about if i’m going to get into college or not. it just struck me how fast time is flying. i only have one more summer before i have to apply, and that means my last chance to get jobs, internships, and do whatever i need in order to impress colleges.
my EE outline is due in 5 days, and i haven’t even come up with a thesis. procrastination to the max.
my faith in God has been slowly deteriorating. i’ve been telling myself to do my devos and pray and read the Bible to get right with God before retreat comes along (2 weeks) because in the past, i would wait till retreat to get right with God and waste half of my time there. i wonder what it’d be like to be able to simply enjoy God’s creation and God’s presence there and listen to His voice without any worries in my life. but that’s never happened at retreat because i am never right with God until the majority of retreat is over.
i haven’t been attending church as regularly as i would like to. i haven’t been on a worship set since about october, and i haven’t been to TG since november. most of it is because i’ve been incredibly busy school wise, and i’ve been sick alot. this break from church has caused me to search for God elsewhere which is helping me get rid of my doubts.
i don’t know what i want to do when i get older. i know there’s nothing wrong with saying ‘undecided’ but i really want to be able to know what i will do. i don’t like indecisiveness and i like being prepared for the future. education, journalism, idk! so many choices. i know for sure what i don’t want to do, but i don’t know what other choices that leaves me.
my self esteem has gradually been deteriorating. i don’t know what to do to bring myself back up. i absolutely HATE it when i know for sure that people don’t like it. it’s degrading, it’s uncomfortable, and it’s also extremely distracting. when i see people hang out with all my friends and not me, it hurts my feelings actually cause i already know that those people don’t like me at all. it doesn’t make me seem special enough to hang out with or be appreciated. welcome to my life.
this was alot longer than i thought it’d be. the bullet points gradually get longer and more extensive haha. anyways, i’m in a pickle right now. for anyone who reads this (if anyone even comes across this…) please pray for me right now. there are alot of decisions circling my mind right now, and i need God’s help to straighten them out.
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This…
1.Listen without interrupting. (Proverbs 18) 2.Speak without accusing. (James 1:19) 3.Give without sparing. (Proverbs 21:26) 4.Pray without ceasing. (Colossians 1:9) 5.Answer without arguing. (Proverbs 17:1) 6.Share without pretending. (Ephesians 4:15) 7.Enjoy without complaint. (Philippians 2:14) 8.Trust without wavering. (Corinthians 13:7) 9.Forgive without punishing. (Colossians 3:13) 10.Promise without forgetting. (Proverbs 13:12)